i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
