just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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