Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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