I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
