Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
