A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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