If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
