I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
did you just send me my own nude
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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