Swine flu. Run for my life!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
