she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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