Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
