It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
