Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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