I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
