Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
