I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have fence marks all over my body
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
