oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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