He had one of those small greek statue penises
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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