does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
