did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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