I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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