she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
