I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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