Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
