this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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