hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You smell like a Billy Joel song
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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