I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
