Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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