You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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