Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My hand turned me down
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
