My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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