mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
