So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
