So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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