Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
