Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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