You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
