Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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