textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
