I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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