I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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