I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
