Sry I called you an 8
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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