The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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