ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
