That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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