I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
