ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
