I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize