I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
