dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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