No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
